Elves, Men, Dwarves, and Criminals
by DaniZaraki
Summary: What happens when you put a fellowship of men, elves, and dwarves trying to save their world with a group of just as many criminal mercenaries who want nothing but the destruction of their own? One can assume nothing good comes of it and they'd be right. Rated T for swearing. A few OCs in there but only one has more than a few sentences of dialogue. Oneshot present.


_So, this is really just something I decided to do out of sheer and utter boredom.  
_

_Also, it's a Christmas present for my cousin. She wanted either something dealing with Alice and the gang or something with the LotR characters.  
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_I settled for doing both. So yeah...  
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_I only own Alice, Kathryn, Tiburon, Cielo, and Sanaa. Everyone else is property of their respective owners.  
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_As awesome as it would be to own the Akatsuki/Fellowship/Lord Elrond, I'm not that cool.  
_

_Technically five OC warning but you really only have to deal with Alice so... yeah.  
_

* * *

**First Person Alice!**

"He is one sexy motherfucker." I whispered dreamily, staring at the man inducing my drool.

Sasori elbowed me sharply since he was standing between Deidara and I. "Alice, shut up."

"What? I'm just making an observation." I hissed.

"You're an idiot." Sasori said quietly with a roll his eyes. "You do realize your husband is standing right next to you right?"

I glanced to my right and smiled cheekily at Itachi who was scowling at me. I reached up slightly and kissed his cheek. "Don't worry, babe. You're the only man for me. I'm just enjoying the view."

Itachi just sighed deeply and rolled his eyes.

"I mean, his hair is almost as perfect as yours." I continued. "It's blond though, which takes off some of the sexiness factor. He can use a bow like a badass, but he can't use Katon jutsu which is a downer. I'm sure if you wanted to use a bow, you'd be an expert, babe."

Sasori pinched the bridge of his nose. "Good God. We're never going to hear the end of this."

"It's _Jashin-sama_." Hidan growled quietly from his place on Deidara's other side. "Get it right, puppet-bitch."

"Oh shut the hell up you religious bastard." Sasori snapped in a harsh whisper. "I'll cut your head off and punt it over the cliff."

"I fucking dare you to try it you pathetic – Ouch!" Hidan yelped, rubbing his side from where Kakuzu had punched him. Kisame, on Itachi's other side, snorted with amusement while Deidara snickered madly.

"Be quiet, moron." Kakuzu grunted.

"I mean come on, who else can pull of fucking leggings and a tunic like that?" I demanded, gesturing at probably the most attractive man in the room that wasn't a member of a criminal organization. "What other man looks _that_ good with fucking braids?"

"Do you mind?!" Pein snapped, turning away from the council to glare at us. "We are trying to discuss something important here."

I ducked behind Itachi while the others stiffened, acting like they hadn't done anything. "Be gentle, Fearless Leader."

His eyes narrowed at me. "Alice."

"You can't kill me!" I said from behind Itachi. "You need me! And you love me!"

Itachi just shook his head.

"You can be replaced." Pein said coldly.

I pouted. "So mean."

"Come forth, Alice Uchiha of the Akatsuki." Lord Elrond said stiffly, beckoning me with an utterly graceful movement that almost put Itachi to shame.

Key word is "almost".

He might be an elf, but Itachi is an Uchiha.

I glanced at Pein briefly for orders and when he shifted his head slightly towards the center of the room, I stepped around Itachi and walked forward until I was standing beside Aragorn.

He's pretty fucking cute too. Probably only surpassed by Legolas and Lord Elrond.

"Sup?" I asked.

"She speaks strangely." I heard one of the elves whisper to one of their kin.

I chose to ignore them, focusing my attention on Elrond.

"I was told by… your Leader as well as Gandalf that you have incredible knowledge of this world and the future of mankind." Elrond said. "Is this true?"

"You bet your life, Elrond." I said, crossing my arms. "I know everything that will happen, has happened, and is happening now." I cracked my neck as I looked around the room. "Shall I demonstrate?"

He gestured around the room, looking slightly confused by my strange manner of speech. "Please."

I looked around the room. "Who would like to go first, hmm?"

"This ought to be good, un." Deidara said, elbowing Hidan. Kathryn, who was sitting in front of him and beside Konan, snickered.

None of the people surrounding the ring spoke.

"No one? Who wants to be a victim then?" I asked with a smirk.

Boromir shifted in his spot before clearing his throat. "What do you require of us?"

"You just have to sit there and look pretty, Boromir my dear." I said, winking at him. I shifted slightly to face him completely. "Boromir, son of Denethor and older brother of Faramir. You have just reconquered the city of Osgiliath for Gondor. You were drinking ale with your brother after a short speech, which I can quote for you if you'd like, when your father comes and begins to shower you with praise. He, for some unknown reason because your brother is a gem, dislikes your brother and talks down to him. He takes you aside, demands that you try and obtain the Ring and take it back to Gondor. You refuse because you're a smart man so Faramir offers to go in your stead. You father shoots him down and says he entrusts the mission only to you because you won't fail him. You then leave Gondor with a final farewell to your brother of 'Remember today, little brother'." I took a deep breath. "Shall I continue?"

Boromir's jaw was touching the floor while everyone else stared at me.

"She talks so quickly." Frodo whispered to Gandalf.

"How do you know this?" Boromir asked.

"Because I'm just awesome like that." I stated.

"She truly does know everything..." Gimli said quietly to his companions.

"Tell us then, friend, what comes next?" Gandalf asked.

I raised my eyebrow. "Next?"

He gestured at the Ring. "Is it destroyed?"

"Of course it is." I said with a scoff. "Do you really think the most awesome fellowship in all of Middle-Earth could fail at something as important as this? I mean come on. You, Bilbo, Thorin, and his band of misfit dwarves were perfectly capable of going and defeating Smaug. Surely all of you badasses can handle throwing a piece of possessed, evil jewelry into a volcano."

They all stared at me. Apparently my American manner of speech was a bit too much for their sophisticated brains to comprehend.

"Alice. Tone it down a bit." Pein said with a sigh.

"Right. Sorry." I said sheepishly. "Look, you form a group of nine companions which Elrond will name the Fellowship of the Ring. You all depart from Rivendale and go on your merry way to Mordor."

Gandalf frowned. "Who will carry the ring?"

"Shall I leave it to you to guess?" I asked, looking pointedly at Frodo for a second.

"I'll be dead before I see the Ring in the hands of an elf!" Gimli said stubbornly.

"Oh shut up you fuzzy midget." I snapped, frowning at the dwarf. "We'll deal with the stubbornness of dwarves in a moment. No elf or dwarf carries the Ring."

"What then? What happens when Sauron takes back what is his?" Boromir demanded.

"You hush too." I said, frowning at him. "We all know the moment you touch the Ring you'll be corrupted by it. You're already basically foaming at the mouth because it's on the table. Men are too easily seduced by the evil of the Ring. I mean come on, Aragorn knows this. You don't see him pouncing on the Ring. No men."

"I like her." Elladan said, elbowing his brother Elrohir. "She is amusing."

"So who carries it?" Legolas asked. "You said no elf, dwarf, or man carries the ring. Does a wizard carry the Ring?"

I stared at him and looked back at the Akatsuki. "He's so pretty."

Gandalf chuckled while Aragorn snorted with amusement. Everyone else just stared. Legolas looked extremely confused and slightly violated.

I did not blame him in the slightest.

There is a reason the Akatsuki usually doesn't let me out into public.

"Ignore her." Itachi said boredly. "She does that all the time."

I stuck my tongue out at Itachi before looking back at Legolas. "No, beautiful, Gandalf isn't touching that Ring because he's about the smartest person in this world you're ever going to meet." I pointed at the shortest person in the room. "That adorable little guy right there will be carting the Ring through Middle-Earth to the horribly named Mount Doom."

I mean really? The guy builds an entire language and basically his own personal world complete with both future and past, and he names one of the most important locations in the entire story Mount Doom? Really?

I digress.

"Me?" Frodo asked.

"Him?" Everyone else asked, including the Akatsuki.

I hear skepticism from the ninjas...

"Frodo." I said seriously. "And he does one hell of a job too for one so small." I smiled at him. "No worries. The Ring came to you for a reason, little man. Bilbo didn't obtain it just because. Things happen for a reason, as cliché as that might sound. In my worlds, we do whatever the fuck we want just because. It seems, in your world, paths are formed and you only have two options to go down. I'd choose the right one if I were you or the world will cease to exist as you know it."

"You're so blunt." Sasori said, smacking his forehead with his palm.

"Shut up, Sasori." I said dismissively, looking over the council. "I just have one question." I pointed at Gandalf. "Why in the flying fuck did you not summon the eagles to fly you over the bridge and through the woods to Sauron's house?"

He stared. "What?"

"Why do you walk the entire way to Mount Doom? Why not have the eagles ease your passage?" I asked. "And back with Thorin? You could have saved a lot of time and trouble by just letting the eagles get their soar on and fly you all the way to the Lonely Mountain."

"I-I don't know." He said.

I sighed. "Males. They never know how to do things."

"That will do, Alice." Pein said, rubbing his forehead.

"Why did she say I was pretty?" Legolas asked.

Kakuzu covered my mouth before I could reply and he lifted me off the ground, pinning me to his person with his threads and super strong arms.

Sasori just ran a hand over his face. "She has a thing for men with long hair."

"And she likes socially awkward people." Kathryn said cheerfully. "That's why she likes the Akatsuki so much. She married one of the worst ones!"

Itachi swatted Kathryn in the back of the head.

"I'm confused." Legolas admitted.

"He's so cute!" I said through Kakuzu's hand, trying to break free.

"Bad Alice." Sasori said, flicking me in the forehead.

I whined obnoxiously only for Kakuzu to further mute and restrain me.

Damn it.

"I will take the Ring to Mordor." Frodo said, walking forward and grabbing the Ring of Power and holding it tightly. "Though, I do not know the way."

"That is where I come in." Gandalf said, resting a hand on Frodo's shoulder. "I will help you bear this burden, Frodo Baggins, for as long as it is yours to bear.

Aragorn's gaze softened and he walked over to Frodo before kneeling. "If by my life or death, I can protect you, I will. You have my sword."

"And you have my bow." Legolas said, gliding over to Frodo gracefully.

Gimli scowled and stepped forward. "And my axe."

Silence ensued for a second longer before Boromir crept over to the gathered Fellowship, eyeing Frodo. "You carry the fate of us all, little one." He looked over the others. "If this indeed the will of the Council, Gondor will see it done."

"Hey!" Sam said, rushing forward as expected. "Mr. Frodo is not going anywhere without me."

"No, indeed. It is hardly possible to separate you even when he is summoned to a secret council and you are not." Elrond said, looking amused. Sam blushed heavily and looked at the ground.

"We're coming too!" Merry and Pippin said as they charged into the room. They completely missed Elrond's "WTF face".

"You'd have to send us home tied up in a sack to stop us!" Merry added once he found his place beside Frodo.

Pippin nodded sagely. "Anyways, you need people of intelligence on this sort of mission…quest…thing."

Merry rolled his eyes while everyone else stared at Pippin as if he was insane. "That rules you out, Pip."

Elrond shook his head as if trying to get rid of the instincts that were telling him he was insane. He looked over the gathered men and nodded. "Nine companions… So be it. You shall be the Fellowship of the Ring."

Pippin beamed while Merry smiled and Sam puffed out proudly. "Great!" He said. "Where are we going?"

Pein stared at Pippin's complete and utter lack of a clue before looking at Elrond. "Are you sure this is a good idea?"

Sasori was muttering under his breath about how he hated stupid people. Pippin remained oblivious to the death glare he was receiving from the puppet master.

Elrond looked at me and I managed to give him a thumbs up through Kakuzu's binds. He sighed before nodding. "As certain as I can be."

"You don't sound convinced." Pein said. "You can let her go, Kakuzu."

I stretched when Kakuzu released me and smiled. "This is awesome."

"Hey Mom!"

I glanced towards the voice to see Tiburon, Cielo, and Sanaa drop down from the trees above us.

"What baby?" I asked, ignoring the gawking from the non-ninjas.

"Are we going too?" Tiburon asked. "I want to help. It'll be fun."

I poked his forehead. "I'm not the one you need to ask, Tibby. Pein's the boss. Ask him."

Sanaa and Tiburon rushed Pein to beg him for permission to join the Fellowship while Cielo ventured over to Frodo. He towered over the Hobbits and Gimli, his eyes level with Aragorn's nose.

For a kid, Cielo was really tall. Tiburon hated it because that meant Cielo towered over him too.

Cielo stared at Frodo for a moment before offering his hand. "Cielo Oscuro at your service."

Frodo stared for a second before smiling politely and accepting the gesture. "Frodo Baggins at yours."

"Not to be rude, but are you going to grow any taller?" Cielo wondered.

"Not likely." Frodo said with a chuckle.

"Interesting." Cielo said. "Do you know how to use a sword?"

Frodo shook his head. "No."

"Axe?"

"No."

"Bow?"

"No."

"Mace?"

"No."

"War hammer?"

"No."

"Kunai?"

"Uh…"

"Shuriken?"

"What's that?"

Cielo stared at him for a long time before looking around at Pein. "Pein-sama, we have to go. He doesn't even know what a shuriken is. They'll be dead in a week."

"Shuriken…" Legolas said thoughtfully. "It is a strange word."

Cielo looked as if he had been stabbed. "How are you all even alive?"

I laughed. "Cielo, baby, they don't have kunai and shuriken in this world. They have different weapons then us."

"Oh." Cielo said. He shook his head. "They're all going to die."

"Cielo!" I said in a scolding tone.

"What?" He asked. "This one can't even use a sword." He pointed at Frodo.

"That's what Aragon is for, silly." I told him.

He stared at Aragon skeptically for a long moment before nodding. "He can stay."

I rolled my eyes. "Lovely." I looked back at Pein to see that his hands were twitching as if he wanted to strangle Sanaa and Tiburon. "Sanaa, Tibby, leave him alone. If he said no it means no."

"He didn't say no though." Sanaa said. "Please Pein-sama, yeah?"

Pein rubbed his forehead tenderly. "_Fine_. We'll help them."

"Yes!" Tiburon said excitedly. He hugged Pein. "You're the best."

"So what's the plan?" I asked.

"I will be staying right here." Pein said. "I do not have the patience to deal with all of you for long periods of time. Konan and Zetsu will remain here with me."

"So that means me, Sasori, Deidara, Kathryn, Itachi, Kisame, Sable, Sasuke, Kakuzu, Hidan, and the kids are all going to help out the Fellowship?" I asked.

"If you promise to leave me alone for the next month, yes." Pein said, sighing dramatically.

Elrond blinked. "You're going to let your subordinates leave without question?"

"We can communicate through our rings." Pein stated dismissively. "Alice, are your phones working?"

"They don't cut it once we're ten mile apart. Itachi and Sasori tested them out. We've got a ten mile radius for calls and about a twenty mile one for texts. Internet is good as far as we've seen in most places, but we haven't exactly been out in the middle of nowhere yet." I said. "They're a last resort because this place doesn't have outlets to charge batteries."

"So be it." Pein said. "We'll resort to our rings then."

"Alrighty then. Sounds good." I said. "Who is in charge?"

He glanced over his shoulder. "Itachi, you're in charge. Kakuzu, you're second and then you, Sasori. Kisame, Alice, Sasuke, you're next. If all of you are gone, I'm not even going to bother with the last three."

"Hey(un)!" Kathryn, Deidara, and Hidan said in unison.

"Tiburon, Sanaa, Cielo, you three better listen to your elders." Pein said. "I'll be sending Zetsu after you in moderation. He still isn't comfortable moving through the land in this world yet."

"**I'd like to see you try moving through cement. That's what it feels like. **Itchy cement. We feel all nasty and dirty whenever we try and move through it." Zetsu said.

"Hey, Zetsu, we'll find you some Orcs!" Kathryn said. "They might taste a little burnt though. I don't know."

Zetsu shrugged. "**We'll still try them out. **They can't be worse than veggie food."

"Way to be optimistic, Zetsu." I said approvingly, hugging him fondly. "So, when do we leave?"

"Tomorrow morning." Gandalf said, watching Cielo and Tiburon try and explain kunai and shuriken to the rest of the Fellowship. Sanaa was busy complimenting Gimli's beard and telling him all about how her daddy couldn't grow a beard, much to Gimli's amusement and Deidara's embarrassment.

"Oh good." I said. "The sooner the better. Then Pein will be less bitchy about how long we spend here."

"It is obvious there is some sort of power here keeping us from returning to our world." Pein said, swatting my head. "It is keeping me from summoning us all back with my Animal Path."

"Maybe when we take out the most prominent source of evil, we'll be able to go back home." I suggested.

"Perhaps." Pein said thoughtfully.

"Very well." Elrond said, inspecting a kunai Tiburon offered him. "Go now, rest and prepare yourselves for your journey. It will be a long and trying one. Go with the will of all Middle-Earth."

Pippin elbowed Merry when everyone broke up to go about their business. "I still don't know where we're going."

* * *

"Are you sure you don't want a horse?" Boromir asked me.

"Positive my friend." I said dismissively. "I've got it covered. There are six men here who are fully capable of carrying me without any trouble at all if I get tired of walking." I gestured towards the massed men of the traveling Akatsuki, Sasuke and my two boys who were talking amongst themselves while we waited for the Fellowship to join us. Kathryn was sitting on a rock nearby, doing Sanaa's hair.

"If you are certain." He said uncertainly. "A lady should not have to walk all the way."

I patted his shoulder. "I'm no lady, Boromir. I'm probably manlier than you." I smirked when he scowled. "Trust me buddy, I've got it handled." I whistled. "Sable!"

A howl sounded and Bill, our pack horse, whinnied with fright when Sable bounded over to us. She was bigger than him, so I couldn't blame him.

Because she was a wolf, she was already born to naturally be huge. However, after being taught to harness her chakra so she could jump and keep up with the Akatsuki when we traveled, her body grew to accommodate the change and make it so she could handle the enlarged chakra pathways from her harnessed chakra.

She was roughly the size of horse now give or take a foot.

She was still the sweetest thing in the world and she loved to cuddle. The only difference was now she couldn't climb on my lap anymore without squishing me.

Boromir, who had never seen Sable before, gawked. "W-What is that?"

"This is Sable." I said cheerfully. I took the fox off her back and set him on the ground. "And that is Ash."

Ash trotted over to Cielo instantly after being set down; ignoring the looks he was getting from the people seeing us off and the Fellowship members who were ready to go. Cielo picked up his foxy friend and hugged him tightly.

Sable's head cocked to the side and she sniffed Boromir for a second before her tail swished and she licked his face softly.

I smiled. "She likes you."

"Good." He said nervously. "I would hate to see what happens to someone she doesn't like."

"Don't worry. You'll see eventually if the need arises." I said. "Sable is strong enough to carry me if I need her too. She's faster and more durable than any horse you might find. She's really strong and incredibly smart. If need be, I can just ride her."

Sable licked my face before turning her attention to Bill so she could be friends with him. Bill seemed nervous but he didn't act like he was going to get eaten.

Wise Bill. Sable wouldn't hurt a fly unless I told her to.

Of course, there was one exception.

And by exception I mean a religious moron with the mouth of a sailor.

"Alice."

I looked around and smiled at Cielo who was walking over to me with Ash in his arms. "Cielo?"

"Do you think we should leave Ash here where it is safe?" Cielo asked. "I don't want him to get hurt or lost on the trip."

My gaze softened and I curled my arm around Cielo's waist since he was taller than me now. "It would probably be for the best, love. But it might be alright to take him. It's up to you if you really want to. I think it would be bad for both of you to separate and he might try and follow us, but there is always a chance he could get hurt."

Cielo buried his face into Ash's fur, closing his eyes and sighing heavily before looking back up at me. "I'll bring him."

"I'll keep an eye on him for you." I promised. "He'll be a good little spy if we need him."

"Is everyone ready?" Gandalf asked, joining the now complete present Fellowship and Guard. He patted Sable when she trotted forward to greet him and he looked over everyone when he received nods of confirmation. "Good. Then, let us be off."

Frodo as expected took the lead, and then Gandalf followed behind him with Deidara and Kathryn right behind them. It had been decided, that for each of the more vulnerable members of the group, at least one of the Akatsuki would stick to them.

That, of course, meant Sasori was stuck with Sam while Deidara and Kathryn were with Frodo. Merry and Pippin received Kakuzu and Hidan respectively. Itachi, Sasuke, and Kisame were with me and the kids were just told to keep an eye out and help when they could.

Sanaa had a fascination with Gimli since they were closed to the same height and announced that he would be her travel buddy which he accepted with a chuckle. Tiburon claimed Aragorn and Boromir as his travel partners while Cielo decided to stick closer to both Gandalf and Legolas.

I followed behind them with Sable, chatting it up Merry and Pippin. The others followed behind us and I noticed Itachi seemed to keep himself placed perfectly between Legolas and I. I smirked at this, finding it amusing that he was being possessive.

Though I was slightly insulted that he would even think that I would ever leave him for some elf I hardly knew outside of books and movies.

I grabbed his hand as we walked and I squeezed it gently, shifting my gaze off of Merry who was telling me about a drinking contest he had won in the Green Dragon and I glanced at Itachi.

He gave me a look which I knew was his stoic version of a smile so I returned it.

Legolas might be extremely adorable and epic in almost every sense of the word, but he isn't as amazing as my weasel.

No one is, really.

That doesn't mean I can't look at that sexy piece of elven ass though.

* * *

_Yeah..._

_Happy holidays. It's past New Years now, but this was a Christmas present for my cousin_ **Barbi****e in the Fishtank**._ I combined both of her options into one as I mentioned in my author's note up top.  
_

_This is also in honor of the Hobbit which is an amazing movie that I've seen in theaters... five times now.  
_

_I've read all of the books and movies to the point where I can quote the extended editions of all three LotR movies verbatim. I can recite a few Hobbit chapters too.  
_

_Anyways, this is most likely going to be a oneshot. Anyone who wants me to continue it... well you'll have to beg. A lot.  
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_And by a lot, I mean a lot.  
_

_Side note: Sable is not a ninja-wolf.  
_

_My favorite LotR characters are as follows: 1. Legolas. 2. Elrond. 3. Aragorn. 4. Boromir. 5. Gandalf.  
_

_I'm also rather obsessed with Haldir and the Witch-King of Angmar. :/  
_

_Don't ask me why I like Elrond so much. I have no idea why to be honest. Every time I see him though, I get chills. If Legolas wasn't so pretty, Elrond would be my favorite.  
_

_I'm out.  
_


End file.
